eighteen inches

“… we must say to ourselves something like this: ‘Well, when Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn’t think, ‘I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me.’ No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us - denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him - and in the greatest act of love in history, he stayed. He said, ‘Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing.’ He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely.”

Tim Keller, “The Meaning of Marriage.”

the reality of agape.

I think Andie from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days said it best. “I love you… but I don’t have to like you right now!”

It’s a relief and a burden. We don’t have to like everybody around us all the time. Whew! But it is still our responsibility to treat them with love. In action when not in feeling. We’re capable of this because of God’s perfect example of agape in the way He loves us.

I think we like this concept.

In theory, not in action.

Because what happens when people don’t agape back? What happens when you spend so much time investing your time and heart into relationships - whether agape, fileo, or both - and nobody gives back? Leaving you feeling empty, unloved, and tired. Tired of trying so hard, for nothing. Is it even worth it?

I suppose that’s what I’ve wondered, subconsciously, maybe for years. What’s the point in investing in relationships when all you end up with is disappointment? Things end. People move away. Good friends get into relationships. Everybody gets busy. Your friends assign priorities, and you’re not at the top.

Well. That stings.

I have a better idea.

What if agape means more than just loving somebody in action?

Agape flows from God’s perfect example. And His perfect example is that He is the only one in existence to ever be there 100% of the time. To always be listening. To always care. He’s the only one that will never let us down or disappoint us. He’s the only one that can actually fulfill our needs.

Upon acknowledging that He’s the only one that will give that to us, we release all of our other human relationships of the expectations we’ve been placing on them. 

Maybe, just maybe, and this is pure conjecture here… but maybe agape’s got more dimensions than Andie first thought.

Maybe agape is understanding that people are going to let you down, disappoint you, never fulfill you. Maybe it’s not expecting anybody but God to meet any of your needs. If we let God fill us with contentment and peace every day - meaning, putting our relationship with Him first, and never ceasing to spend time with Him - then, with our needs met, we can invest and not care whether we get any of that investment back.

We can agape freely without worry or disappointment or emptiness.

Isn’t that what agape should be about? Love, in action, without any terms and conditions?

Because that’s what God’s been doing this entire time. While we continue to go about filling our God-shaped holes with people and being disappointed when they don’t. Can’t.

“scandals afoot!” this is the forbidden subject.

This post has sat idle in my documents folder for far too long, mainly because of a statement I keep believing:

“This isn’t the kind of thing that a lot of people can or will understand.”

            Well, please. Allow me to describe it to you in a piece of literature I discovered from my past.

I was sick of hearing it.

Never from anyone else.

Always from myself.

“I am disgusting.”

            “Pig.”

                        “Gross.”

                                    “Dirty.”

The struggle.

For once,

I find words inadequate.

You can feel the spread.

It’s like a disease—

            Inescapable.

It’s like the angel and the devil,

except infinitely more painful,

and it never takes place on your shoulders.

It’s always within.

Deep.

The devil is prodding your insides with his pitchfork.

The only way to stop the pain is to fall, you know.

And it stops.

It’s bliss.

But only for a few moments.

And then it’s back—not limited to the wounds anymore.

It’s inside.

Outside.

It’s in your mind.

It’s in your stomach.

It’s everywhere.

Jesus is trying to heal the wounds.

But you won’t let him.

Because that hurts more than anything.

It’s that way because you don’t know what it’s like

to be healed anymore.

You don’t know anything other than the pain.

And the pain is the only thing that matters—

because of the thing that provides brief, momentary relief.

And you know it won’t last.

But that doesn’t matter.

It’s your Addiction.

And you will cherish it.

            Nourish it.

                        Feed the Monster.

You love it, and you hate it.

It’s that way because you don’t know what it’s like

to be free anymore.

And even if you thought you could be…

Chances are,

You won’t take it.

            I can’t make you understand it. Because in this case, truly understanding is experiencing. If you’ve owned any kind of addiction, you may find within yourself telltale signs of relating to my words. If not, these may fall on deaf ears. I do hope for understanding. If you are looking at it from the outside, I beg you not to stick it in a beaker and treat it as a science experiment or a strange medical anomaly. No, this is not just a sin problem. This is a pain problem, is a heart problem, a love problem. Judging by the statistics, you will be touched by this at some point.

            The father of lies, the Enemy, is out to get us, our friends, our children. And he knows how to.

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